Governor De Santis Returns To Call of Duty Online After Instating "Don't Say Gay" Bill

Yet another installment in Florida's crusade into being the most backwards and absurd state in America, Republican governor and golden boy Ron De Santis signed the iniquitous "Don't Say Gay" bill, prohibiting any mention of homosexuality or transsexuality in the state's school curricula. Anyone with empathy is obviously deploring this flagrant affront to the progression of LGBT rights, but the bill has also been met with appraisal from other Republicans who are aiming to mirror De Santis's legislation, namely Texas. However, it's been noted that De Santis has returned to playing Call of Duty online after ratifying the bill, much too quickly for this to be a coincidence. 

"I didn't want to say this in front of the other Republicans, but I actually left Call of Duty because all the kids on there were calling me gay for being so bad at the game." De Santis commented. "Now that they aren't allowed to discuss gay people in school, they won't be so emboldened to insult me like that anymore".

Whilst a move like this from someone like him is hardly farfetched, LGBT folks are none too happy that they have to be dealt erasure just so an elected official can play video games without getting his feelings hurt by 5th graders. So much for not being snowflakes, right?

Floridian gamers are undeterred, though, as it seems. "Yeah no, we're gonna call De Santis gay even more than we ever did before", an anonymous person told The Forced News. One can suppose Ron won't be having a gay old time on his online lobbies after all. 

Slash Clarifies That He Is Not The Saul You Should Be Calling

 It's been a rough 7 years for former Guns N Roses guitarist Saul Hudson, better known as Slash. It would appear that he has received umpteen amounts of phone calls from delinquents seeking legal counsel. This has not only run up his phone bills, but it's taken its toll on his mental fortitude, as he realised that these people are being misguided by the hit TV show Better Call Saul. Slash has one thing to say to everyone: he is not the the titular Saul and that you shouldn't be calling him for your legal troubles. 

"I don't know where people are getting this impression that I have any experience in the law field", spoke Slash. "The closest thing I have to that is watching Axl Rose destroy himself, and I wisely remained on the sidelines for all of that."

Slash also doesn't appreciate how this attention is the only relevance he's received in over a decade. 

Better Call Saul will be concluding its 7-year run in 2022, and the rock icon couldn't be more relieved that he'll finally stop being mistaken for a defence attorney. But to be on the safe side, Slash announced that he'll be changing his number and will keep it more secure this time around. 

Putin Threatens To Raise Petrol Prices To $25 Per Gallon To Entice US Military

The Ukrainian-Russian conflict rages on, and America has been dutifully maintaining its neutrality. Putin, in spite of his warning to the Western powerhouse that interference will entail vicious reprisals, is mildly miffed that his bluff hasn't been called. He had noticed, however, that Americans have been tumultuous over the soaring petrol prices across the nation, and he knew he had to capitalise on that. He did so by informing the world that American petrol prices will soon become $25pg if the skirmish carries on. 

Putin knows that petrol prices are far beyond his power, but he is aware that Republicans are under the impression that Biden is spiking the prices, even though America follows a free market and this is really a result of the petrol companies wanting to make more money. He surmises that this'll be the push America needs to finally dip its toes into the battle. 

Russian propagandist Aleksei Bambetov commented "I'm gonna have a field day with this. Everyone knows there's no greater simpleton than a Republican". 

In other news, electric vehicles have become all the rave amidst the grievances of petrol affordability. We here at The Forced News refuse any attempt at paid promotions, however (seriously though, go buy an EV. They're really cool).