Universe Admits Its Grand-Scale Plan To Make Life Unbearable For Humans

After hearing all of humankind bemoaning the current state of the planet, what with crises like global politics and climate change, and attributing these crises to the universe being out to get them somehow, the universe itself finally caved to social pressure and went masque off, revealing its dastardly scheme to specifically make human life a perennial tribulation. 

"I was kinda hoping humans would never actually suspect me until their inevitable extinction." said a passing comet that acted as a mouthpiece for the universe's consciousness. "But people just kept jumping to that conclusion, so I knew I needed to cut the gig sooner or later. And hell, why not sooner? They're probably gonna die in 50 years due to pollution anyway."

The universe had actually been plotting this since the beginning of time, but with the introduction of conquest and slavery, the charade was bound for collapse eventually, give or take a couple of centuries. It's been done no favours under unchecked venture capitalism either. 

"What was intended to be a diversion ended up being my very own incrimination. Not my proudest moment." the universe added. 

The comet it puppeteered to speak to our representative imploded not long after the interview, but before its untimely dismantling, it said it will be trying this operation again with a new species. When pressed if it confirmed the existence of alien lifeforms, the universe simply said "shut up". 

Fire Chief Arrives At Blazing Building Just To Tweet About How Someone Needs To Put It Out

 FDNY chief Dan Marrone received a call to an office building that had caught fire and was in desperate need of assistance. Marrone hustled to the scene with 5 other trucks, but rather than douse the flames, he just idly stood by with the other trucks and tweeted about the raging fire as the occupants in the building screamed for their lives. His tweet wrote: "This fire is such an ugly tragedy. No one should have to experience the horrors of a structure fire. We've all gotta come together to avoid these."

Marrone states that he was inspired by President Joe Biden's tweets about national misadventures whilst he continues to act like he's powerless to rectify them. "I always thought that since I was chief of the fire department, I actually had to save lives and do all that hard work like putting out fires. Turns out all I really gotta do is express how sad I am about fires happening! That's so much easier!" he claims. 

His fellow firefighters were a bit mystified by their chief's actions. "I have no idea why Marrone told us not to put the fire out and instead take pictures of it, but hey, he's the chief, he has to know what he's doing." said Lt. Gary Leland. 

17 people died in the building fire, leaving 30 more injured. Only 10 people were able to escape unharmed. The survivors said the fire department must've gone insane, and they believe they can no longer be trusted. The New York board of fire commissioners has announced they'll be evaluating Chief Marrone after what they call a "fucking ridiculous display of negligence" on his part, and he's likely to be replaced as a result. 

Brandon Flowers Disappointed That Trump Rally Wasn't Actually Chanting For Him.

 

The Killers' lead singer Brandon Flowers walked onto the stage of a Trump rally to a horde of screaming redhatters with their mantra "Let's Go Brandon". However, once he and his band prepared to perform, he was confounded to why the ralliers had ceased their fanfare. It was at this moment he was informed that "Let's Go Brandon" was just some dumb in-joke amongst conservatives who haven't matured past age 11 and not a demand to see him perform "Mr. Brightside". The experience has left him ripped off. 

"They actually had me thinking they were in the mood for some Killers" commented Flowers. "To find out the opposite really annoys me. I warmed up and everything too."

According to him, the musician of the night was actually supposed to be Kid Rock, because of course it was. Flowers offered to do his own version of "Born Free", but was greeted with a ton of boos. The band at that point had just packed up and hit the road.

Guitarist Dave Keuning also had some words for the crowd. "Why do they chant that so much anyway? Do they think anyone else is gonna get their joke?" he added. 

Apparently Flowers is prone to misreading situations, "This is just like that time we thought Sam's Club had anything to do with our album 'Sam's Town.'" he mentions.