David Zaslav Announces Summary Executions For All Creators Under His Employ

Elon Musk Now Mandates A Profession Of Love To Him Whilst Signing Up For Twitter

Twitter has been going through constant changes, all of them unnecessary. But with recent developments, that quantity is only about to increase. CEO and fragilest man alive Elon Musk has implemented a new feature upon signup that mandates all potential users to profess their love to him in order to get an account. Naturally, this announcement caused a bit of a stir. 

"This is so ridiculous," an anonymous interviewee told The Forced News. "Why do I have to tell someone I hate that I love him in order to use a damn phone app?"

When approached for comment, Elon stated his reasoning for this requirement is to build trust for his base. "I toss and turn at night wondering how many Twitter users actually hate me, so just to be sure, I need everyone to confirm how much they love me before they can join." 

Twitter's investors have stated that they've all but checked out long ago following Musk's takeover, and whatever losses the site will suffer are his problem now. Musk however, is not ruling out the possibility of requiring dick pics to continue using the site. 

Other Twitter users are expressing their disapproval. "We're gonna boycott this decision by using alternatives, then go right back to Twitter after a week or so because we gave up on the alternatives too soon." another anonymous person commented. 

Liberals Confident That Trump Will Definitely Be Punished This Time

Former President and embarrassment to nature Donald Trump has yet again made the news as his organisation has been found guilty on 17 accounts of tax fraud, the same tax fraud that many Democratic figures and pundits have been pressing him on ever since he reared his ugly head in politics in 2015. Given that he's done far worse and hasn't even so much as gotten more than a stern talking-to, liberals haven't let past events stop them from declaring victory and insinuating this will be the scandal that sinks his career for good. 

"We've been so desperate to get him in the ground, we'll take anything at this point." said Carla Voight, local suburban mum and avid Biden fan. "I know rich people have historically never gotten punished for tax crimes, but this has to be the tipping point."

Several other liberals queried by the Forced News expressed similar sentiments. Upon being reminded that Trump literally assassinated Qasem Soleimani and nearly launched America into a horrific conflict with Iran and received zero consequences, the bystanders struggled to reply.

"Look, I firmly believe in the snowball effect. The more bad things Trump does, the more likely it is for everything to collapse around him. It's super simple." an anonymous commenter said. "He's gotten away with so much in the past, so this next screwup is bound to be the lucky number."

It is worth mentioning that none of the liberals queried were aware of the gambler's fallacy. 

Public Figure Says He's Grown Now That Everyone Forgot All The Bad Things He Did

 

Gary Foster, noted influencer and promoter of quack supplements, has emerged from prior cancellation over incidents like sending unprecedented dick pics to female cohorts and conning customers out of their money. But he has an important announcement, and that is that he's done a lot of personal growth, especially since everyone has conveniently forgotten why they disowned him in the first place. He's ready to resume business as usual at whichever point he left off. 

"It really did kill me inside when I was caught with my pants down, figuratively and literally. I hated how I lost the trust of my naïve-er, loyal customers." Foster commented. "I want it to be known now more than ever that I'm terribly sorry that you all found out what I was doing, and that I'll diligently be way more circumspect in the future. I can only hope that you can continue to practise turning a blind eye to my faults so we can enjoy a most wonderful rapport that I disproportionately benefit from."

Although Foster's apology expressed no amount of actual contrition, his rabid fan base felt a sense of rejuvenation as their saviour returned to give them their fill of whatever it was they saw in him to start with. 

"To be quite frank, I couldn't care a smidgeon about anything Gary does in his personal life. He stimulates my minimal attention span and that's good enough for me." an anonymous fan of his told our reporter. 

Muckrakers on Twitter and elsewhere were quick to try reminding everyone what Gary did and why he should remain cancelled, but their preachings fell onto deaf ears, it would seem. 

Foster added "The lesson here is that we should always forgive and forget. But extra emphasis on the forgetting part."

Matador Begins Using Directional Mines Instead Of A Verdugo In Bullfights

 

Bullfights are a favourite sport in Spain, in spite of concerns voiced by animal rights activists deeming it the cruel torture porn it realistically is, but a certain matador has had some complaints of his own. Clímaco Bolívar, a veteran matador of 12 years, is trading in his verdugo, the short sword typically used in bullfights, for directional mines, better known as Claymores. The reason? Convenience. Simple as that. 

"You'd never know it, but I'm actually very afraid of los toros, and no me gusta when they get close." Bolívar said. "With these new toys, el toro will go kaboom, and I'll be perfectly safe. Muy bien!"

Bolívar's decision drew the ire of several ARAs, citing his actions to be abject cruelty. "Stabbing el toro to death is one thing, but blowing it up is savagery and nothing else." said a representative from Spanish animal rights group PACMA. 

When this was brought to Bolívar's attention, he replied with a blunt "fot la teva vida".

Bolívar noted that his bullfights have largely been successful, but was forced to open his own circuit after being barred from professional bullfighting when the council ruled he was cheating. "It's called a bullfight, not a bull explosion." spoke Nico Caro, Bolívar's former employer. 

Bolívar went on to mention that he received more than a handful of responses from local restaurants that the cojones del toro he sells them still contain some Claymore shrapnel. 

*Editor's note: all interviews presented here have been translated from Catalan. 

Francis Scott Key's Ghost Clarifies That "Land Of The Free" Was Sarcasm

The Supreme Court has yet again proven that its only purpose is to remind the commonfolk that they're little more than a circlejerk of emperors, overturning Roe v. Wade and revoking Miranda rights protections. This of course has Americans everywhere (at least the ones who still have their heads screwed on the whole way) wondering how they can profess in good faith that this is a free country. Francis Scott Key, writer of the Star-Spangled Banner, returned in spectral form to clarify to everyone once and for all that he was merely being sarcastic when he put "land of the free" in the national anthem. 

"It was an oversight, I admit." said Key. "I'd really thought sarcasm was well-understood, even during my time, but I failed to account for the Dunning-Kruger effect."

Key comments that he still has no idea why anyone believed America was a free country when slavery was a massive selling point for most of his life. On that note, however, he questioned who the idiot was that did away with it, in spite of his initial detesting of it. 

"Now that I've finally told everyone the truth, I'm hoping people will stop tooting that ridiculous tagline", he added. "Another thing, whoever read 'home of the brave', please understand the difference between ignorance and bravado, because you might realise something scary once you do."

Key's ghost slunk back to his grave following the interview, morphing a solemn middle finger onto its tombstone for all to see. 

Universe Admits Its Grand-Scale Plan To Make Life Unbearable For Humans

After hearing all of humankind bemoaning the current state of the planet, what with crises like global politics and climate change, and attributing these crises to the universe being out to get them somehow, the universe itself finally caved to social pressure and went masque off, revealing its dastardly scheme to specifically make human life a perennial tribulation. 

"I was kinda hoping humans would never actually suspect me until their inevitable extinction." said a passing comet that acted as a mouthpiece for the universe's consciousness. "But people just kept jumping to that conclusion, so I knew I needed to cut the gig sooner or later. And hell, why not sooner? They're probably gonna die in 50 years due to pollution anyway."

The universe had actually been plotting this since the beginning of time, but with the introduction of conquest and slavery, the charade was bound for collapse eventually, give or take a couple of centuries. It's been done no favours under unchecked venture capitalism either. 

"What was intended to be a diversion ended up being my very own incrimination. Not my proudest moment." the universe added. 

The comet it puppeteered to speak to our representative imploded not long after the interview, but before its untimely dismantling, it said it will be trying this operation again with a new species. When pressed if it confirmed the existence of alien lifeforms, the universe simply said "shut up".