CDC Announces COVID Will Leave You Alone If You Play Dead

The battle against COVID and its rapid mutations rages on, and the CDC has all but given up trying to mitigate its damage, now resorting to possum play methods such as reduced quarantine time to make employers feel less lonely. But now, the CDC has released a new foolproof method to finally make COVID go away: just simply play dead. 

"We know it sounds ridiculous, but it just might work", says CDC chairwoman Rochelle Walensky. "After all, if it's good enough to work on grizzly bears, why not a deadly plague?"

The public was skeptical at first, and at large still is, but some have been swiftly convinced of the efficacy of this new method. Kelly Winston says "My 54-year-old husband tested positive for COVID a few days ago, and he just started playing dead. Now he doesn't have it anymore!" she continued, "for some reason though, he's still doing it, and hasn't moved from the kitchen floor since yesterday."

The CDC is continuing to try new methods and whatever might work to stop this stubborn virus once and for all. Forced News informants have reported that they might even suggest giving the virus the finger and telling it to fuck off, but that is still not confirmed. 

Mortal Kombat 12 Announces COVID-19 As DLC Character With Unlimited Variations.

Mortal Kombat director Ed Boon proudly announces that COVID-19 will be the newest DLC character for MK12, and will have unlimited variations, more than any other character in the game. 

"I had my eye on COVID-19 as a guest fighter for some time now, and I think it'll be an excellent addition to the series," says Boon. 

When asked why COVID will have unlimited variations, Boon answered "Its constant mutations leave for plenty of creativity. Since it changes so quickly, what with Delta and Omicron variations coming out so fast in between each other, the possibilities seem endless."

Fans of the series were less than thrilled about the announcement, citing that COVID will be absolutely busted and should be banned from competitive play at launch. "How am I gonna be able to beat a fighter who has a new variation every few months?" said SonicFox. "Boon better add vaccines to the game too or else I'm not buying it."

Pro-Lifers Go One Step Further, Deem Birth Control As Murder By Proxy

After years of ascribing the label of "murder" to the process known as abortion, a new pro-life group called Mandatory Parenthood has upped their ante and gone as far as to say that women who choose not to be pregnant are also committing murder because they aren't adding to the population count. 

Mandatory Parenthood founder Alistair Lifebringer was reached out to for comment on clarification for his stance. He said "women have a duty to the planet by making as many babies as possible. Whether resources are available to them or not is irrelevant, those wombs need to be full". 

When asked if men who practice safe sex are accomplices to murder, Lifebringer simply replied with "oh heavens no".

Lifebringer has been attending Republican conventions in the hopes to have candidates embrace his platform. He reports that his efforts have been largely successful.