WWE Buys All Competing Promotions Only to Promptly Release Everyone

 Professional wrestling giant WWE has been releasing its own roster in boatloads every week, leaving fans worried about the future of the company and their favourite wrestling stars. This time however, the company made a move that has the wrestling community on edge; they've bought all of their competitors and subsequently relieved them of their contracts, bringing their roster counts to 0. These companies include AEW, ROH, and possibly least surprising, Impact Wrestling. WWE even revived WCW and gave it fresh new talent just to release them all. 

When approached for comment, CEO Vince McMahon had stated his reasoning for the move, "The decision to release all of our promotions' athletes was not an easy one, but it was within our prospect's best interests, budgeting and all that." When asked how budgeting was even a concern when the deal to buy every wrestling promotion costed him millions, McMahon simply replied "stop asking so many questions". 

McMahon also mentioned that they were looking to purchase UFC and let them in on the action of unemployment. 

Vince's daughter Stephanie had assured worried fans "We promise you here at WWE we will provide our new beneficiaries with new athletes, and we've gone to great lengths to prepare them for their inevitable releases after we barely tapped their potential."

Amidst Omicron, Celebrities Try To Find Another John Lennon Song To Sing

Omicron is quickly ruining social plans by the day, with businesses needing to reinstate Phase 2 mandates and regular folks having to reschedule meetups with their friends, along with vaccine requirements. But in these trying times, celebrities have decided to retake the stage as beacons of hope, and they intend to do so by looking for another John Lennon song to sing. 

With the universal acclaim celebrities received for singing "Imagine" when the plague took the world by storm and crushed the population's hopes of ever seeing a normal life ever again, they figured they should go for a two-fer and sing another of Lennon's classics, in spite of the growing disapproval for the Beatles singer. 

Wonder Woman actress Gal Gadot, who coordinated the notorious-er-heartwarming Hollywood harmony of "Imagine" nearly 2 years ago commented "I was hoping to get everyone together and sing 'Happy Christmas (War Is Over) for the holiday, but apparently they all hated that song, so we had to go back to the drawing board."

Gadot and her ensemble have mentioned that if they are unable to find any good John Lennon songs to sing for current events, they will just look at Paul McCartney's discography, or perhaps just forego any Beatles-adjacent music and pester Van Morrison for a suggestion.